I learn so much about myself. Friends come and go, life changes, and I grow. I’ve had some minor surgery due to an infection and have a very low level of activity right now. I’m usually pretty hyper and have this intense drive to submerge myself in a topic I enjoy. Though that’s not how I used to see it. Before it was a perpetual urge to occupy the hamster wheel in my mind that runs at full speed with no direction. I thought that I had to just go with that, because it’s felt like the most genuine thing i did in my life. but now i see, that it’s just my tendency. i have an active mind that i should learn to use properly. i have stress and pressure and urges to think, think, think which can either lead me into a panic attack, or presumably… something better. it has always felt like a curse that never gets me anywhere. i follow through with the process only to keep myself from feeling bad, depressed and unfulfilled. I have to learn to let the process work for me. No time like the present to get that worked out. I have lots of time to just lay around while this wound heals. So I have to learn to curb my inner restless energy. i’ll probably be writing A LOT.
Two things this week, have grossly changed my world. First, was the re-realization that I don’t need to be perfect. This time the realization stuck and impacted my every moment, ever since. Score. And the other; Human Design. Wow, brilliant. This has brought me light years ahead on my journey of growth and transformation. It’s really a map of me, that makes so much sense… it’s spot on really. What’s nice about having my chart to refer to is that I can remember what comes naturally to me. When I focus on that, it’s amazing my life force really does regenerate. Day 1 as a realized Generator and I’m already filling up with fantastic energy. I knew a pleasant state of self was obtainable. I feel so good. I am beginning to see how my stress makes my Sacral motor work on self-growth. At this point I just wonder how the change can continue so rapidly throughout the rest of my life. I always thought the transformation would be one or two time thing. But it’s seeming like this whole becoming a phoenix thing is cyclic.
the #1 thing for me is that i need to ask myself why i’m avoiding something. it’s like my subconscious knows something** and my body responds. i try to do something but have all kinds of nerves about it or walls up to it. when i notice this happening, i need to ASK MYSELF WHY. if i’m running into the same problem twice or feel anxiety over certain things i encounter, the WHY is a very important question.
if i let that process happen i might be able to be more in tune with the universe… i mean it seems like a viable thought. i could then walk amongst life and go where my body feels led and listen when my body wants to run away.
it would be a fun project for an entire day. just go. go where ever my heart leads me. do anything, do everything.
**the knowing subconscious mind is the memory that keeps account of all the emotional dealings of our life and much more.
Learning to deal with the fact
That time heals no wound
And everything spills
Life is a climb up hill
Like swallowing enormous pills
It all makes me ill
That we all still
Live here in this hell
Technology today, has the power to save us. With the modern collection of humankind’s acquired knowledge we have the ability to create a flourishing haven for the entire planet. When will we put down the guns and give a shit about our planet and our people?
The focus on the child makes a nice distraction from the issues a parent has faced in his/her life. (Not a quote, but a concept discussed in “Family Secrets” by John Bradshaw)
This is majorly telling about the parental syndrome we see in modern American society today. They cannot look away from their grown children because in so doing they are forced to focus on the self they left buried long ago. Before they became the all knowing parent they were actually afraid, confused, lost and unfulfilled. After so many years of ignoring the person they were (with all of their own personal and generational issues) it’s too hard for them to turn back now. The mere thought of uncovering from the pile of life that sits atop their own shaky foundation is something they don’t have the personal strength to face.
When a child has grown and decides they are finally ready to live in their own way, they separate from the parents and their rule(s). The parent who has been left in the dust (so to speak) is left with nothing but their neglected self. The parent goes through a breakdown that is deeper than the child could ever understand. The grown children are generally puzzled by this, because mommy had always put on such a facade of perfection in order to be the example she chose. The children see this as the parent wanting to own them for no apparent reason, but instead the parent just can’t manage to face their true self that they long ago abandoned. When their role as a parent disintegrates, so does their false perfection. They are then left alone with the identity that they never planned on returning to. The empty nest has nothing to do with who has vacated, it has everything to do with who remains and what they now must face.
The moral of the story: Don’t give up your true self for the facade you wish to give to others… especially if they are your children. Your children will become the very person you suppressed in yourself, if you are not honest with them about who you are.
i function in my own timing
i analyze my own rhyming
others anthropomorphize my writing
but i’m tired of hiding
the uniqueness of my wiring
while my higher-self is busy aspiring
i miss it, as if it were
a person, a time, or place
the evolution of my writing
seems to leaves something behind
it was accidental growth of my mind